The Weight of Mental Health
I hope this story can encourage, even urge, someone reading to prioritize their mental health.
This graph tracks my weight-loss of 40 pounds from May 29, 2022 through today, March 12, 2023. I removed the numbers because it isn’t about that, it’s about the trend! This has been the first steady and sustainable weight loss I’ve had and there is no coincidence of this timing. I didn’t find the secret supplement, diet, book, or program that fixed all my problems. I allowed my mental health to take priority.
Last May, I found answers that reset my mind and understanding of who I was made to be. No that’s not right. I didn’t find the answers, I was shown the answers. I know I’ll be sharing more details about the specifics, but overall I have a new awareness that has allowed my racing mind to stop questioning and has given me space for new thoughts & new dreams. I can focus for the first time in my adult life and there is no longer intense anxiety or the constant audible sound of static & buzzing. I can feel true peace and a sense of presence I honestly don’t remember ever feeling. Finally addressing the real, honest hard truths of what I was struggling with is really all that has changed during this past year; and I’m not exaggerating when I say I could almost instantly feel the weight start lifting with the answers I got in May. Here’s a little back story that might help fill in the holes here a bit…
I had been carrying extra weight - both externally & internally - for so long. All through childhood and into my early 20’s I was very active, thin, and had very little appetite. I was chronically nauseated and tended to always eat the same things that “worked”. In 2011, when I was 2 months postpartum, I learned more about clean-eating, started an intense workout program, and entered years of trying. This became a cycle of trying new foods, trying to force myself to eat them, and then trying not to hate myself more when I failed again.
This cycle repeated over and over and over again… for 11 years. Over those years there were many contributing factors that increasingly held me down: working night shift, shame of my past, major depression, deep exhaustion, complete numbness, and a totally twisted framework that I had developed of who God is and how He saw me. My weight increased by 80 pounds in only a few short years. The physical weight, on top of the heaviness inside made everything uncomfortable; all the things I knew I should do to feel better just felt absolutely impossible.
I always thought it was strange because I didn't feel self-conscious about my weight. There was no body-shaming because I just really didn’t even care about my appearance anymore, at all. I remember breaking down one time a few years ago when it finally hit me how much weight I’d really gained. I cried to my mom, “It’s not about how I look, I seriously don’t care about that - it’s more than that! Can’t anyone see that what’s going on with my weight is a reflection of what’s going on inside my head?!”
It was a brief moment of clarity that exposed my deepest longing, along with the hardest questions for me to ask or admit: Doesn’t anyone see me at all? Why doesn’t anyone see how much I’m struggling? What else can I do to make it obvious?! How do people always think I’m fine.. can’t they SEE how much I’ve changed?! I just want my pain to be seen and I have no idea how to explain it to anyone, because I don’t even understand it myself!
Fast forward to 2019, when I brought up my weight in a counseling session. I could tell my counselor was steering the conversation to discuss topics of negative-self image, body shaming, and insecurities - but I stopped her. I told her, “I don’t feel insecure about my body. I don’t feel embarrassed or judge myself against other women. The problem is I don’t see myself…at all.” I instantly had a thought, “Do you even remember which hip, right or left, you have your tattoo on?” No. I didn’t. That might seem like an odd thought to have during that conversation, but I realized then, that I hadn’t been ashamed of who I saw in the mirror… I had totally neglected looking in the mirror all together. I showered and got ready in the dark, I wore my hair wet and pulled back in a bun. I didn’t need to check my reflection because I either wore my work uniform (scrubs) or my home uniform (sweats). There had actually been so much time go by without me being able to see my reflection that I forgot what I looked like. Not only did this help me realize the depth of detachment I was experiencing, but it made so much sense as to why I was hurting so bad. I wasn’t really there, and I surely wasn’t living in any sense of the word.
Maybe you can relate to this. Maybe you’re trying so hard to focus on all the good things around you and telling yourself you have no reason to feel down. Maybe after looking around at all the strong people who are truly going through hard things and then comparing that to the many blessings in your life, you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re just not grateful for what you have. Have you labeled yourself selfish for feeling depressed because you compare your life circumstances to others and think surely you have no legitimate reason to feel sad?
If so, I see you. And I call all of those thoughts out as lies.
And even more importantly, so does the One who created you, the One who knows your every pain and most secret thoughts. Jesus sees you right where you are. Even if you’re numb because the pain is too much. Even if you’re afraid to feel anything because it might totally wreck you because the flood gates will open. Remember, God doesn’t compare our pain; whatever is hurting you is big enough to address and you are never alone.
Please know that whatever you are struggling with is worthy of healing. Your mental health matters.
Ask for help, be vulnerable, and don’t deny yourself the chance to feel freedom. If all you have the strength to do right now is say - or even to just think - the name “Jesus”, that’s right where He will meet you. And, let me tell you it’s also a perfect place to start. Trust me, I’ve been right where you are and that name saved me.
Today, I want to celebrate where God has brought me and praise Him for His goodness & faithfulness. He saw me, He sees me - all of me and He loves me. He’s taken on my burdens one-by-one and continues to unpack them at a pace that He chooses. I am living in the wonder of it all - both the answers and the unknowns. His love is so real to me and so tangible. He wants nothing more than to show you that love & grace, as well.
