He Heard My Whisper

The first morning I woke up in Key West last year, I was met with this sunrise. Just as God had set the sun on my fear the night before he let me rise to the hope of new beauty.

*Trigger Warning: Self-harm, Suicidal Ideations

This is so hard to talk about, but with each story I hear my heart grows heavier and I feel pushed more to share.

Instead of going back to OSU after Spring Break my freshman year, I moved to Florida. I was 18. I had such a restless spirit at that time: confused to why I was failing college when I’d always been a 4.0 student, needing to drink to the point of blacking out to stop my mind from running, afraid to be alone because I didn’t know myself anymore, and ashamed of what my reputation had become.

I didn’t know it back then, but moving away was me trying to start fresh - get away from people who knew things about me, embarrassing things that I couldn’t forgive myself for and regretted deeply. I thought a new place as beautiful as Key West would be the answer to my problems. Looking back, my time down there has given me most clarity into who I am, so in a way I guess it was an answer to my questions.

I was so lost. Everyday I woke up thinking, “Now what do I do?”. I didn’t feel like it was me there, it felt like a dream like an out of body experience all day everyday. I got a part time job, signed up for classes at the community college, found some friends and thought I was living the dream. I told myself this is fun, this is what you want!

Inside I just felt restless, chaotic. I couldn’t even sit to study anymore and had zero motivation. On the outside I was all smiles, sun kissed, and living the college dream.

I remember calling a friend from back home and asking, “Do you ever just feel like you can’t live another day? Like it’s just too hard or something?” She said, “Um no I don’t think so. Do you?” I didn’t know. I just didn’t know what I thought, I didn’t know what was going on, who I was, if any of this was even happening to me.

I went home and it was like I was watching myself from above and I had no say anymore. I couldn’t control anything, I couldn’t say no - I couldn’t say anything. It was almost in slow motion like I was watching something that had already happened: walk through the gate, go to the kitchen, grab the biggest knife, lock yourself in the bathroom.

I hate so much to write this. Praise God the knife was put down, but I was kicking, screaming, crying, hitting my head on the sink so hard over and over. I was pulling my hair and scratching my face. It didn’t hurt though because I couldn’t feel anything.

I don’t remember the next sequence of events but I remember clearly hearing the song Amazing Grace being sung: “I once was lost but now I’m found”. There was a brief calm and my boyfriend at the time broke down the door. He was on the phone with my mom. I walked out of the house and just kept walking. He followed me and I remember him saying, “I don’t know what’s going on she won’t talk”. I couldn’t talk. I wasn’t there. I walked and walked around the island, finally got into a cab that he called I think. That night was long, I’d lay there and then be overcome again and scream and scratch at my face. He would stop me and hold me down.

My mom was on a flight and got to our place the next morning. I packed my things, quit my job, stopped by the college to withdraw from classes. We drove home and I couldn’t talk about it, my mom says I didn’t look like myself.

I came home and within a week I was registered for Nursing School. I never talked about it and reassured my mom that I was fine, I was just being over dramatic.

So that’s what I told myself. “You’re so dramatic. Why couldn’t you just keep holding it together?”

As the years went on I was always scared that would happen again. Because I didn’t know what it was. Was that depression? Did I want to end my life? Was I just being dramatic?

I didn’t remember ever wanting to end my life. I just remember being 100% out of control and overcome with rage - not anger, but complete rage. It wasn’t me hating myself like I thought it must’ve been. It wasn’t me feeling depressed. What was it?

So fast forward 12 years and I needed to go back and solve this. I needed to be there to confront whatever that was because I was NOT going to let that happen again. And truth be told I felt like I was getting closer and closer to that happening again.

I went to our old house and drove the same route I had walked that night. I started in silence and fear, again with the shaking. I prayed God would get me through this and just give me answers. I can’t even tell you how many laps I did, but it was a long time. I turned on Lauren Daigle’s song Rescue, rolled down my windows, and worshipped.

God had heard my whispered cry to help. He knew the depths of my spirit that were longing for more, longing for peace. Even when I was rejecting Him, He was there. He sent out an army to find me.

Someone sang Amazing Grace in that bathroom.

My boyfriend who broke down the door.

My mom who flew down and brought me home.

Small groups leaders.

Friends.

Davey and Kristi Blackburn & The Nothing Is Wasted Ministries.

My parents.

Cambryn.

Physicians.

He built an army to find me. He heard the deepest whispers of my soul crying for help when I didn’t even know they were there.

I put down my need to understand that night and I chose to live in the wonder of God. How good is He that he saw me when I couldn’t see myself? How good is He that when I don’t know what’s going on in my mind or body that He has control? This is the mystery of His power. I was in awe. When I had nothing left, He showed up. He carried me. And He has continued to show up through all of my questioning, so I don’t have to understand it.

Reflecting now a year later I want to praise God for how he let me receive my answer. The journey that led to this understanding now. God led me to my answer: this was an Autistic Meltdown.

If you’ve read this far, I’m going to guess you know someone who’s had a similar event, or you yourself have even. I’m sharing this for you. Self harm and suicide have so many stigmas and I want to do whatever I can to break those down.

For me, this was a meltdown after years of unacknowledged overwhelm and dissociation. For others it’s depression, shame, despair, hopelessness, or any number of other things that cause them to lose touch with their reality. I truly believe if someone harms themselves or takes their life - they are not truly the “culprit”. They don’t have the control at that point. Your loved one who took their life was not in charge of making that decision.

And this is why we are shocked to see the people who “have it all” die by suicide. This is why we’re tricked to think it’s a selfish act, a moment of weakness. I stand firm that it’s actually a time of complete loss of control - absolute inability to stop or even use their voice to ask for help.

Please reach out to me. I would love to pray for you if you’re hurting. If you don’t have the words to explain - I get it. You don’t have to put things into words, just send me a message that you can relate. Because that’s what we need - true vulnerable connection. We can’t believe the lie that we’re alone in this. I’ve been there and I’ve seen others there and I WANT to be there for you. Not to fix anything, just to listen.

There is an army being sent out to help you right now. I’ve never been more sure of anything.